Tragedy Plus Time
by Kazuki Naruse
Summary: Songifc! Tragedy Plus Time by Rise Against. Shintarou felt so guilty and so alone after Ayano died... He hadn't been there for her... He had failed to be her friend when she needed one... ShinAya! Please review! I hope you like it! :)


On the edges of the sharpest knives

Shintarou had held those knives in his hands many times, turned them over, staring at the lights glistening on their blades. He had contemplated what to do with them, what he _could_ do with them.

In the middle of the darkest nights

Those first few nights without Ayano were the hardest. He silently cried himself to sleep, wondering why she was gone. He wished he could bring her back. He wished he could take her place, that she could be the one lying in her bed in the middle of a pitch-black night, wondering why she was still alive when the person she cared about most was in a coffin. She had been the one person who always put up with him, no matter how selfish he was, no matter what he did, she was always there. She always smiled at him, no matter what horrible things he said or did. He would never see that smile again.

Always knew I would find you here

He could never bear to go out, to face the world without her. For him, it was like the sun had suddenly disappeared and the world was plunged into a cold, never-ending darkness.

In a puddle of the bravest tears

He was not brave enough to survive nor was he brave enough to end his life. He could merely let the days pass over him, bleak days full of loneliness that soon lead to apathy.

I've seen enough to know it's lonely where you are

His world was completely empty without her. There was nothing he could do to make the loneliness go away. There was nobody he could talk to, nobody who would put up with him like she had. He was more than alone; he was isolated. He was in a locked room with the key lost at the other end of the hallway.

Above the crowd

He couldn't stand being in a crowd of people. They weren't Ayano. They never would be. There would always be a hole in his life where she had been. Everyone who walked into his life would walk through that hole and disappear as quickly as they had come without ever touching the edges.

Feet dangling from a rooftop (a rooftop)

That day, when he had found out she had jumped from the top of the school... That day... That was the day his life ended, the day he would never be the same again. Nothing would ever be the same without Ayano.

She waits from ledges for a voice to talk her down

He could never forgive himself for not being there. If only he had been with her that day... If only he hadn't listened to her when she said she had to do something alone... If only he had been there, maybe he could have changed something. Maybe he could have saved her. Maybe she wouldn't have jumped if he had been there to talk her off the ledge. Maybe she wouldn't have died if he had been there for her, waiting with open arms to help her through whatever plagued her waking moments.

Nothing matter buts the pain when you're alone

The days, the nights, every moment spent knowing he would never see her again was agony. Every moment he spent knowing he was alone was so painful he wanted them to end. He wanted to join her. He wanted to be with her, just one more time. He didn't want to deal with the pain of losing her, the pain of living without her.

Never-ending nights when you're awake

He could not fall asleep with thoughts of her in his head. He kept thinking back to how she died, how she never told him anything before leaving by herself that morning. His guilty conscience kept him awake night after night, torturing every waking second with scenarios in which he could have saved her. Any one of those could have come true, but not a single one of them did.

When you're praying that tomorrow it's okay

But tomorrow won't be "okay." There will never be a tomorrow with Ayano. Tomorrows are reminders that he will never see her again. Tomorrows are reminders of his greatest loss.

There will be a time to crack another smile

He would never smile again without her, he was sure of that. He barely smiled when she was with him, why would he be happy when she was gone forever? He would never see her smile again, her bright, beautiful smile that could brighten even the darkest, rainy day. That smile was gone forever.

Maybe not today or for a while

Today was an empty slot, only to be filled with the pain and misery her death had left him with. The future was a collection of empty slots, like an ice cube tray.

But we're holding on to laugh again someday

He could never laugh, not now, not ever. His laughter, his happiness, everything but pain and sadness had been taken away from him. Everything but pain and sadness had disappeared off the roof of his new school.

All that matters is the time we had

Their time together was cut short, too short. He was rude, even cruel to her at times, complaining when he had to help her and groaning every time she asked him for a favor. He never tried to make her happy, though she always smiled and laughed around him. She was always there for him. He was never there for her.

Doesn't matter how it all went bad

There was no warning, no warning whatsoever. She just separated from him and then she was gone.

Never wonder what it might be like

He didn't dare to imagine his life without her. He couldn't bear the thought of her having jumped out of his life forever, He couldn't think about it, he couldn't imagine a life without her but he also couldn't imagine a life with her. There was no future to imagine. Now that she was gone, he had no future. He would merely live out the rest of his days alone, isolated by the guilt he felt.

Shut the door, say goodbye

The day after her funeral, he shut the door to his room, shutting everyone out of his life. He said goodbye to any hope he had of the future, to any hope he had of every being happy without her. He would merely live out the rest of his lonely days by himself.

When faced with tragedy

Tragedy could not even begin to describe the loss of Ayano Tateyama. Losing her was more than a tragedy, it was death without dying. He felt dead inside, as lifeless as her buried body.

We come alive or come undone

He had come undone the moment Ayano died. He came unraveled like a roll of ribbons, scattered across the ground above where she lay, dormant forevermore. He couldn't even begin to tie the broken fragments of the red ribbon back together. Like the cut-up ribbon, he would never be whole again.

So don't hold back

The tears stopped coming after the first few days. He couldn't cry anymore. He could only wallow in sorrow and self-pity. There was no release from the hold his guilt kept on him.

Let it shape you like an ocean

The pain and guilt had twisted him into a shape not even remotely resembling a human. He was merely an empty shell, full of dark emotions that would plague his every waking moment.

Even the deepest scars in time will fade

Not his scars. Shintarou knew his scars would always remain, deep and painful. They would never heal. He wouldn't let them. He didn't deserve to heal when she was gone.

And sometimes you have to go back

Shintarou wished he could go back, back to the time when Ayano Tateyama was still alive. He wished he could return to his life with her. He would do anything for a second chance, a moment he could replay to change the outcome. If there was any way to save Ayano, to prevent her death, he would, even if that meant sacrificing his own life in the process.

To know just where you were then

He was home, alone, sitting at his computer, surfing the web. She had said she had some business to attend to after school, so he had gone home alone. He'd had no homework that day so he had sat down at his computer, bored and slightly lonely. She never said anything to him about being upset or suicidal, and he had never noticed a change in her personality. He had no idea that would be the last moment he would see her. If he'd known, he would have said everything that was on his mind. He would have stayed with her, refusing to leave her side, forcing her to come home. He would have been there for her however long she needed. He would have been as good a friend to her as she was to him.

But we're old enough to know that

He wished he had known. He wished he had known.

What has been, will be again and again

No. He would never be close to someone again. Ayano was the only person who put up with him and he lost her. He could never risk losing someone again. If someone got close to him, would they die too? Would he be too selfishly lost in his comfortable life that he wouldn't notice when that person so dear to him needed his help?

And the bravest of faces are the ones where we fake it

Ayano must have been faking it. All those smiles, all those time where she laughed and some joke only she found funny... All those times must have been fake. If she had truly been as happy as she had seemed, she wouldn't be dead right now, buried six feet under the ground in a cold, wooden coffin.

And the roles that we play

Shintarou had failed at his role. He was supposed to be her friend, but he had never been there for her. He couldn't even tell that she was upset. He couldn't even stop her from jumping off the roof.

Nothing matters when the pain is all but gone

Over time, his pain really did start to fade. The Internet took a part of it away. He could lose himself in mindless videos and stupid comedic skits. Ene took away the rest. Sure, she was annoying, extremely annoying, and selfish but somehow her obnoxious nosiness was amusing. It kept him occupied. She would pull up sites and things that she wanted him to look at, and mess with everything in his computer so that he had to fix it. At least she provided a distraction from his thoughts and the aching loneliness he had been left with.

When you are finally awake

Was he? Was this nightmare finally over, he wondered as he held the scissors. Did he finally understand what Ayano had done, the true purpose behind her death? Or was the world screwing with him, planting thoughts into his brain? Had he finally gone crazy? There was only one way to find out, he realized as he held the pair of scissors up to his neck.

Despite the overwhelming odds, tomorrow came

That was true. Tomorrow had finally come. He was finally free of all of his guilt. The pain and loneliness receded below the surface, remaining dormant beneath his skin. He had friends, people who cared about him, but he was afraid of hurting them, Still, with Ayano by his side again, he knew everything would be alright.

And when they see you crack a smile

The smile came naturally, pulling the muscles on his face in a painless grin. He could finally be happy again. He could finally be whole again, together with the person he cared for the most.

And you decide to stay a while

At first, he had thought the group, including his younger sister, Momo, was crazy. He had no idea why he was even there in the first place, but now he understood. He belonged here, with these people, with Ayano.

You'll be ready then, to laugh again

And he was. He found that laughter came pretty easily, and that it was genuine. For the time in years, he felt happy. For the first time in years, he felt ready to interact with someone other than Ene who, before that moment, had merely existed on his computer. For the first time in years, the guilt of not being there for Ayano was gone. For the first time in years, Ayano was there with him, and he was there for her.


End file.
